[Story] The Gamer Magician

Title: The Gamer Magician
Author: OutspanFoster
Genre(s): Action, Adventure, Fantasy
Tags: LitRPG, Magic, Male Lead, Urban Fantasy, GameLit elements, Progression, Spell Analysis
Audience:
Main Lead: Male
Status: Ongoing
VB Assessment Score: PDE 1 CDD 1 SWB 2 || TQ 3 SV 3 || Overall: 10
Number of Chapters: 16
Chapter Length: Medium
Reading Level: Medium
Date of First Release: July 12, 2020
Date of Last Update: October 30, 2020
VB Reviewed? No
Available on Platform(s): Royal Road
Number of Views: 85K
Number of Reviews: 12
Synopsis:
When he fails to become an apprentice for the Mages Union, Nico Kanazawa must push the limits of his magical abilities. But can he establish a place of power before the magical forces of the city devour him?

Review(s)

Waffle(est): It’s good .. but it has a significant Achilles’ heel: The premise of the story is built on the strongest organisation on in the world being absolutely incomprihensibly incompetent and working directly against it’s own success. This makes absolutely no sense.
The style and presentation is good, and there appears to be some character development going on. But with the core premise so contrived I’m not sure if the plot will back it up in the long run.

Ziggy: This story has WAY too much going on, constantly. The MC blunders into creating 2 new problems for himself and having 2 new and extraordinary things happen to him every single chapter. In ways that seem unbelievable and forced.
The story doesn’t make sense, my suspension of disbelief is shattered, and you need to slow the heck down. If I’m still focusing on how the MC needs to afford rent, you don’t suddenly have someone call him to tell him his parents are kidnapped, THEN have someone tell him he’s framed for four murders, and THEN have him save the mayor’s daughter; all in the same chapter.
Yes, the above is a realistic comparison of the pace of this story. It’s bonkers. And not in the fun way.

Blind Snot Dragon: Its good but it is an honest to goodness rough draft.
To the author:
Please establish early on that Nico is a genius, it was confusing to have him poorly educated but also the smartest person anywhere.
World building early on would help with immersion. Things like the levels of mage hood. Major schools or holds of magic etc.
Also I think my favorite part is the history and diversity of ethnicity that people pull from to create their magic. Its what makes this story really unique in my mind and anything you could do to invest and embellish on that I think would serve you and your audience well.

Stillness: I’ll start with the good parts. This story’s best feature is the fast pacing. The tension in the story never goes slack, keeping the protaganist focused on solving the problems that keep piling up. The writing style is clear and the magic system is reasonably interesting. A minor issue with the magic is that there are weak limits as to how it works, only that it takes more power to do more and the need to write down magic formulas. This is an issue though because the of main character’s ability to modify and create magic spells on the fly is his ‘thing’. It ends up being that the solution he has for most problems is to make a new spell just for that situation. It just feels like a little deus ex machina even if it relies on the main characters own skill. Characters are decent, nothing special. A lot of side characters come and go quickly without much time to get to know them. Grammar has a few errors, mostly missing spaces or letters, still very readable. I like the setting and wish we get to see more of the world and how magic has changed the world compared to our own. The part I disliked the most was the first chapter. Perhaps it was on purpose, but the examination seemed to be designed to pass as few applicants as possible. It bafles me why the mage association would try to cripple itself.

Stevenpoke: I’ve only read a couple chapters, but it is so poorly thought out that I’ve just moved on. 
The testing scenario and failure make no sense at all and follow 0 logic, I could write a whole short story on how little sense that whole thing makes, then the magic society thinks the MC is a murderer, do they question him or arrest him? No they put him on a list and just let him walk around for 30 days, the MC comes upon a damsel in distress who he promptly saves and then is attacked because of the perfect timing of the girls protector.  The girl shockingly turns out to be the daughter of the most powerful mage in the city, who apparently loves his daughter very much but left her completely helpless against things as weak haunts and thus she needed the miraculous saving by the extremely under powered MC. Then the MC inexplicably starts suffering from a condition only scene once every 200 years or so and the damsel in distress’s father just happens to be one of the few who could recognize it, and the only one willing to help him.  and look! He also has a special flower he’s been growing, which he thought was a failure, but it’s perfect for curing the MC’s extremely obscure and rare condition.  
Some of these things could maybe make sense with more information later in the book, but but with how illogical all this is already, im out.  And that’s why I gave it two stars, I’m barely into it and all these issues have popped up, this is no where near publish ready.  

[omitted other reviews due to length and enough content shown above]

Story Post Last Updated: November 11, 2020

One thought on “[Story] The Gamer Magician

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