[Story] Endless Vertex

Title: Endless Vertex
Author: bacon_bacon
Genre(s): Fantasy
Tags:
Audience: G
Main Lead: Male
Status: Ongoing
Number of Chapters: 26
Date of First Release: March 7, 2019
Date of Last Update: March 25, 2019
VB Assessment Score: TQ 3   PD 2   CF 2   ||   RL 3   CL 3  ||  Overall: 13
VB Reviewed? No
Number of Views: 11.1 K
Number of Reviews: 7
Synopsis:
Same old earth. Civilians living an absolutely normal life. But beneath the surface of our peaceful society, there are Warriors who commoners don’t know about, roaming amongst us. Like all humans, they fight against the unknown and even between themselves in order to gain ultimate power. They can accomplish extraordinary things that modern science has yet to prove and achieve.
This is a novel about Atlas, a teenage Warrior’s rough adventures to become the strongest, discover life’s true purpose, as well as fascinating things that might actually exist in reality. Who knows? Your 80 year old neighbor could be a Warrior who can smash boulders and do the impossible.
There is no limit to what people can achieve.

Review(s)

JVenior: You can absolutely tell that the author loves and cares for this story, it really shows.
The grammar has the occasional error or mistake, but nothing worth ripping the page out and starting over. A quick skim through can fix nearly every issue I picked up.
Also, updates are absurd. March 7th was when the author started, and he/she is already up to 23 chapters? What? That’s more than one chapter a day on average for nearly an entire month. That’s genuinely respectful, and worth the 5/5 score completely.
Definitely adding this story to my library, as well. It’s fun and interesting, with a loving author who clearly is invested and will remain faithful and consistent for months to come.
Good stuff.

ExperimentalWriter: Hello,
Don’t mind the unusual rating level, 3.8 is considered high-tier by me. To me, this novel looks pretty good. However, I ask that you proofread your novel at least once after writing, as there are a few grammar mistakes. Otherwise, I can’t offer you too much more advice.
Your writing actually seems very similar to mine when I was a bit younger, I can tell that you’re at a stage where you have the skills in language arts to begin writing a webnovel, unlike the bad fanfiction that plagues this site. At his point in your writing career you should really think about developing your unique style, you’re almost there.
To improve, I think there are two things to do: first is to think. Think about what your readers will think when they read the conversations and sentences, because some of them don’t flow vey well, and occasionally the dialogue is a bit too cliche or edgy, although that’s very normal for us ******* writers.
The second is to READ. Find an actual complicated 300 page novel for adults that fits the tone of what you’re writing, or is at least in the same genre. Read a book about post apoc or dark mercenaries with superpowers trying to make their living in a corrupt world. An author’s writing style is a compilation of everything they’ve read, so by reading you can get much better at writing artistic and meaningful sentences in your work.
For my novel, I read up a lot of HP Lovecraft’s horror stories, who is what I based the MC on. Like my MC, he is sometimes arrogant and condescending, and writes in a very fake-polite tone. You can see that reading helps develop character.
Before I go, you replied to my thread about reviewing novels… So now you have an obligation to read mine. MUHAHAH! Don’t worry, it’s only 6K words. 😀

Chryiss: Writing: 5
There are a few odd sentence constructions, but overall, it’s very good with a nice range of vocabulary.
Updates: 5
Seems fine to me.
Story: 3
The beginning is an ok start. It reminds me of a military mission (especially with the use of nicknames/codenames like Serpent) but that mood quickly disappears and is never seen again in the rest of the chapters, so for consistency and introduction of story expectations, I don’t think this is best way to begin.
More importantly, however, the plot jumps all over the place. It’s a real shame because the level of writing is actually quite high, but the story suffers from clear direction and imperatives. There’s the whole Warrior cultivation going on, but for Atlas who’s the MC, there isn’t a clear drive or goal like be the best/rise to the top. After learning that the animals were like his family, we never hear from them again or why or how he’s closer to animals than humans filially.
What kind of life is Atlas aiming for? At this point, he just works as an assassin basically, but the action/events don’t clearly lead or build up to something. Maybe the goal could be revenge (which cliche, it can still be done refreshingly). Anyway, the events need to have a purpose in building to a climax, and that importance and direction should be clear.
Character: 3
Atlas is developed and characterized just fine. It’s all the other characters that are a problem. There’s simply too many of them. When Nam died I literally felt nothing. Why? Because I didn’t get to know him enough. When Atlas was upset over Nam? Still felt nothing. Why? Because the importance of Nam to Atlas wasn’t conveyed strongly enough. The better option would be to kill him off later after forming those deep connections. Yes, make the reader suffer upon his death!
Looking at Crow. Ok so Atlas is going to help him reach the next tier. But why?? Is this necessary? Will they go on missions together? How does Crow affect the rest of the plot and the next events? He wasn’t spoken of again after those first few chapters.
Hugh is fine. I already commented about Iris. Kristine is better. Just be careful of not individualizing and developing the girls in a story. Very easily they can become props or background ornaments in stories like these.
In general, don’t introduce so many characters. Develop and demonstrate their character and backstory to the reader and then continue weaving them into future events. If they aren’t mentioned for some time and reappear much later, then they should’ve been presently clearly and memorably enough that readers won’t be like huh, who’s this again? Stick to a literal handful of named characters, at least in the beginning. Unnamed side characters don’t count of course.
World: 4
This okay overall. I feel like I don’t have a sound grasp on the cultivation tiers and how Warriors fit into society as well as their skills/duties etc. The details of actions and objects is done well, but the settings are unclear in parts, the moving from scene to scene. We go from Africa to house to orphanage to school in 21 chapters. This is a bit much.
Exactly 4 overall.
Your story has a lot of potential. The MC is crazy in a good way and is layered. The writing is high quality (just be careful of weird constructions). It’s just the lack of urgency or direction to plot and the over abundance of characters early on which spoil it.
Story Post Last Updated: March 26, 2019

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s