Reassessments: Rogue Immortal—DJRogue ||| The Three Realms—Jamison_C

[Simple Reassessment] Rogue Immortal  ||  DJRogue. Genre(s): Science Fiction.

[Original] # of Chapters: — TQ 2   PD 1   CF 1   ||   RL 2   CL 2 — Overall: 8

[New] # of Chapters: 16 — TQ 2   PD 2   CF 2   ||   RL 2   CL 3 — Overall: 11

 

 

[Reassessment of Previously Reviewed] The Three Realms ||  Jamison_C. Genre(s): Fantasy.

[Original] # of Chapters: 31 — TQ 3   PD 1   CF 1   ||   RL 1   CL 3 — Overall: 9

[New] # of Chapters: 42 — TQ 3   PD 2   CF 2   ||   RL 1   CL 3 — Overall: 11

Comments:

  • TQ(RL): Try to use different pronouns or nouns which easily designate the character.
    • Last two paragraphs of chapter 37:”Needless to say…..Aureus army…group. Aureus rode forth….troops immediately quietened. Aureus dismounted and…his usual guard stood back.”As he neared the group….present. The barbarian group…..Aureus army…Aureus flared his aura.
    • Aureus is repeated 5 times in 5 sentences. While the man Aureus is different from the Aureus army, using [He] dismounted, and [their King] flared, would make it less redundant. Additionally, connecting the army with the King makes the cheering of the army and rousing manner of their leader, Aureus more prominent and regal. While your writing is technically sound, little touches like these can heighten its quality. Another suggestion is to vary the structure of your sentences, such as length, in sections that are similar. Otherwise, it’ll feel like a list of actions. I stuck these comments under TQ, but they really have more to do with RL. I’m including them because you’re very close to a 2.
  • PD: The description of actions are more fluid, varied, and detailed. The amount of dialogue is decreased, and the combination of these two have improved the storytelling; readers are able to immerse in the world more.
  • CF: Aureus is definitely more developed in these new chapters. We see a little into his direct thoughts, and there is more description on his mannerisms. The other characters are very slowly but surely becoming more individualized, too.
  • Ending note: Definite improvement! I scored based only on the improvements as I understand it might be too much to revise the earlier chapters. Keep at it!
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