Webnovel Story. Genre(s): Fantasy. # of Chapters: 5
TQ 2 PD 1 CF 1 || RL 2 CL 3 || Overall: 9
Important Note: There is a big difference between a webnovel–a story of the internet and mobile world–and a published book. Besides straightforward editing, published stories are constantly polished to be more engaging, meaningful, and clear. So a successful webnovel doesn’t equate to the same caliber of a published novel. This is due in part to an online writer typically being a one man/woman show. Thus, reviews will be given as if regarding whether this could be a published print or e-book.
All 5 chapters were covered in this review.
Overall, your writing skills are ok, but there are parts where grammar and punctuation are incorrect. Tense in particular, is off.
“It was twice the height of an adult, whereas four deep holes were opened around it, each were enough for an adult to walked in.” This sentence is a little awkward, mostly because of ‘whereas’ which means ‘in contrast to’; a better word is ‘but.’ The tense, punctuation, and noun clarity is off too. A possible revision is, “It was twice the height of an adult, but four deep holes were opened around it; each hole was big enough for an adult to walk in.”
“What did he asked about again?” Marsha asked.” First ‘asked’ in the quotations should be ‘ask’. Your story is in past tense, but in speeches, sometimes it’s supposed to be first tense. This is another similar case: “Marsha felt relieved that Ivan no longer yelled at her.” It should be “..Ivan was no longer yelling..”
“Ivan was in a stress to begin with.” One can’t be “in a stress.” They can be “stressed.”
Ivan and Marsha – They’re..ok. Their relationship isn’t all that interesting or believable at this point. In the new world of Alephias, Ivan is becomes more interesting due to his interactions and reactions with Frieda and Helen with Victor. His reaction with Geheylt’s confession on his friends is little over the top in how it suddenly angers him to violence to quickly tone down in a compromise. If this kind of hot/cold personality is intended, this is fine; otherwise, it’s a bit unrealistic.
Frieda – She is very well described upon introduction. She has the most interesting and realistic personality out of all the characters.
Geheylt – That’s a cool name. His design is interesting.
Marcell, Johan, Anya, others – Eh, not much to say at this point in the story.
You describe and detail the future Earth and Alephias quite well, so the world-building is on point. Some characters are better formed than others, but especially with Ivan, it looks like they have ample room to grow as this is only the first 5 chapters. The plot is moving along, but again, because this is early, it’s hard to judge its development. At this stage, it feels more like setup for the true events and action to begin.
In brief, your use of language and description is good, but it suffers from frequent technical errors. Both plot and characters are developed somewhat, but they have the potential to considering it’s only 5 chapters in.
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