Magic of Ages. Webnovel Story. Genre(s): Fantasy. # of Chapters: 20
TQ 2 PD 2 CF 2 || RL 1 CL 3 || Overall: 10
Important Note: There is a big difference between a webnovel–a story of the internet and mobile world–and a published book. Besides straightforward editing, published stories are constantly polished to be more engaging, meaningful, and clear. So a successful webnovel doesn’t equate to the same caliber of a published novel. This is due in part to an online writer typically being a one man/woman show. Thus, reviews will be given as if regarding whether this could be a published print or e-book.
All 20 chapters were covered in this review.
For the most part, your technical writing abilities are good. They are well sufficient enough for clear storytelling. There are some minor mistakes, mostly punctuation. There is often a space in front of the first quotation mark in speeches, and the period actually goes inside of the quotation, but in other countries, it’s outside, so it’s not a big deal. Also, commas go before FANBOYS that precede a noun and verb. Infrequent grammatical errors such as, “Petal stopped moving and Sven drew his sword out. Causing, blood to spurt out and onto his face,” can be easily fixed. The second sentence is dependent to the first, so it’s actually a sentence fragment that should be attached to the first with a comma. So just some basic proofreading of punctuation and grammar rules will polish the technical aspect of writing.
The “System,” Theonymphi, and magic:
The System came across as somewhat comical in its dry sense of humor and how it assists Izzy. This is really good. Theo also makes a nice fairy partner/sidekick. The usage of songs to heal is rather original in its application. While the idea itself has been used before, in this kind of otherworld setting, using songs from Earth is a great spin.
Izzy and Ruben:
You did a good job of fleshing these two characters out. Already, readers can grasp their personalities through their movements, thoughts, and speech. And they’re rather cute together. I sense they might be a couple, but it’s good that it’s developing slowly, and Izzy isn’t completely ga-ga over him after his transformation.
Sven, Dyran, Vina, Stem and Petal:
By the way, great names! Stem and Petal were interesting in how they worked together. The flute part was a bit confusing since it seemed somewhat out of the blue. I gathered that the rest of the party didn’t know the twins very well. Nevertheless, a nice little twist. The rest aren’t all that interesting, but that’s ok since, at this point, they seem like minor characters who will probably not be brought up again. If they will, then just develop them as you’ve done the others.
It’s seems a bit odd that he would be flying over, so perhaps an explanation on where he was going/a backstory would fill in that hole. But, a backstory can be done in the future chapters too, and we already have some idea of who he is in chapter 20.
So overall, the characters are quite well done. A little bit more could be added in depth, but that can always be built upon in later chapters. Already, you are developing and revealing them bit by bit. It’s also good that you stuck with a handful of characters. This allows readers to focus on and grasp each better.
This is done relatively well. It’s somewhat reliant on the System, however, and could use more physical interaction/discovery on Izzy’s part. Also, more description of the world will help readers visualize the settings better. Still, it’s sufficiently done to be relatively clear on surroundings. It’s up to you how much you want readers to be immersed in the world.
It’s easily followed; although, the beginning on Earth in Izzy’s house was somewhat confusing. Hopefully, the details of that will be explained later on. The plot development moves at a good pace; it doesn’t linger where it’s not necessary. The in-another-world trope is done somewhat refreshingly, but a little more could be done to differentiate itself. Again, this could happen in the future chapters since it’s only 20 right now.
Your writing is nothing fancy and require some technical work, but you are able to clearly create a well-defined world, plot, and characters. In other words, your storytelling only needs to be brushed up with a bit more depth and description.
I am a Mafia Boss. Webnovel Story. Genre(s): Romance Fiction. # of Chapters: 11
TQ 2 PD 1 CF 1 || RL 1 CL 3 || Overall: 8
All 11 chapters were covered in this review.
Many of the same remarks that I made in your other novel, Magic of Ages, remain the same in this novel. Thus, I will only point out the differences.
Mio doesn’t have as much appeal as Izzy, and the male characters aren’t as well defined or differentiated from character tropes as Ruben was. In general, everyone is following the designated character roles similar to novels with the same type of storyline. The plot as well, moves a little slower.
Now, some of this may be due to the genre. Romance Fiction in a mundane world heavily relies on small elements, mainly the interpersonal relationships, as opposed to visual and action-oriented genres like Fantasy. Even so, try to include more varied actions that build up into a greater event.
To differentiate these characters, think of their backstories, motivations, and idiosyncrasies.